


Broken Brother

by GenericAuthorName



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Crying, Death, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Member Death, Feels, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Loss, POV First Person, POV Male Character, Sad, Terminal Illnesses, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 17:58:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14550216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenericAuthorName/pseuds/GenericAuthorName
Summary: After Rin's death, Len is hopelessly depressed.





	Broken Brother

Three weeks ago, I was with my sister when she died.

She was sick, so very sick, and the doctors couldn’t figure it out. Rin kept wasting away, slowly. Every day, she would hurt more, she would get weaker, she would sleep longer.

Before this, every single time she fell ill, I was always there for her, just as she was always there for me when I got sick; even when we were little, one of us gets a fever, the other has the thermometer and medicine, and we made each other feel better, especially when we cuddled up and took a nap together.

This was different; Every day, I was there, at her side. I took care of her. I wanted her to feel better. I needed her to feel better. She _didn’t_ feel better. She _couldn’t_ feel better.

At the end, Rin was very weak. She couldn’t get out of bed on her own and I had to carry her to the bathroom. I had to chew her food for her, and when she slipped far enough, I helped her drink smoothies, at least to get something in her.

But it was that last day, that horrible, horrible day. All she could do with the little strength she still had was to move her eyes and squeeze her hand, and even those little motions were straining. I could tell, the painkillers stopped helping her long ago, and she knew the medicine wasn’t going to save her. Rin knew she was going to die on that bed, and there was nothing anyone could do.

I saw it in her eyes; Rin squeezing my hand with hers had to be the equivalent to a healthy person running at full sprint over a bed of red-hot nails.

_Don’t worry Rin. I’m here. I’m never going to leave you._

But she did it, _for me_ . Even as _she_ was laying on her deathbed, too weak to hold the cup of water up to her lips on her own, she was making _me_ feel better, by letting me know she was still there, as if _I_ was the one who needed saving.

Then, she took in this massive gulp of air, then her eyes opened all the way, as if surprised, and that big breath came back out her mouth, as she went _completely_ limp, eyes still open.

I felt her neck. There was no pulse.

I don’t remember much after that, but I remember starting CPR; checking her airway, leaning her head, breathing into her mouth, pressing her chest down, and _oh God no, not Rin._

They say I did CPR for at least two hours straight, and had no signs of stopping until passing out from exhaustion.

* * *

 

I remember coming back to it, in the hospital. Everything was numb; there was no smell in the air, no color in the room, no Rin in the bed.

The doctors said a bunch of stuff which I couldn’t listen to; I _heard_ their words, but it was as if they had no meaning, just idle noise, and I didn’t say anything back. They did a bunch of tests, and came back with the results, and told them to me in that same meaningless language from before.

They handed a little paper cup with three pills inside, along with a bigger paper cup of water. I looked at the pills for a time, confused, but, then one of the doctors spoke, “They’ll make you feel better.”

I looked at the pills again, then back to the doctor, then nodded my head no, set the cup of pills down on the table at my bedside, but drank the water.

The doctor looked confused, and gave me another cup of water, before saying, “I know, it’s hard, but, please, the medicines will help you.”

I shook my head no again, but drank the water again, and she gave me another cup of water, “Please, the pills will help you feel better."

I don’t know why, but, as soon as she said that, I dropped the water cup. It made a thud on the ground as I picked up and threw the cup of pills, across the room and yelled at her, “I DON’T WANT PILLS!”

She left the room after that. I picked up the three pills and put them back in their little cup.

I’m still not sure why I cared to put the pills back in their cup.

My legs turned to rubber, and I went from standing next to the wall to sitting against it; acidic tears filled my eyes and I let loose with this _loud,_ tortured, soul-sickening, psychotic howling.

I don’t know how long I stayed like that, but, when I came back to, I found myself laying on the floor, apparently, I had taken my shirt off and it was balled up at my side, and still had large wet spots from when I obviously cried into it.

My eyes _burned_ , my throat _ached,_ and when I turned on the faucet for some water, I saw the knuckles on my right hand were bloody. When I looked back to where I first sat down, there were dents in the wall.

The cup of pills was on the floor, and I picked it up. The cup was crushed, but the pills looked okay as I set them down on the table on my bedside, still in the remains of the little cup.

When I laid down, I tried to toss and turn, but nothing did the trick. Someone is missing.

Without my sister, I will never find a comfortable way to sleep. More crying, more howling, more _hurting_.

I don’t know why they let me leave the hospital; I didn’t feel any better. Maybe they let me go because pills weren’t going to make me better and I wasn’t going to take them; I need Rin, not drugs.

* * *

 

Me and Rin were always close. We never fought with each other, we always shared with each other; we were _always_ together, both in being nearby to one another, and in appearance; we always looked alike and made sure to keep it that way. We were, and always will be, the two sides of the same coin.

But, we _had_ to be together. There’s a queen size mattress in our shared bedroom because when the old bed broke when we were nine years old, we balked at the idea of separate beds; even a bunk bed wouldn’t be close enough; the only acceptable option was for us to cuddle up together and make each other warm, as we laid under the same blankets and rested our heads on the same pillow.

_What I wouldn’t give for just one more night of sleeping with Rin. Even if it meant never waking up again, it would be worth it._

We were always together, because being separate was lonely, scary and hurt. Now, we couldn’t be farther apart, and the pain gets worse every day.

We were always in sync; but, now, her heart doesn’t beat anymore, and I have to settle for only _wishing_ mine didn’t beat anymore.

So many things are hard now. Little things. The things you wouldn’t expect to be hard. The things like getting out of bed; it’s just. . . _Why?_ Why bother?

Most days, I _can’t_ get out of bed. I also don’t have dreams anymore, but, at least it doesn’t hurt when I manage to fall asleep.

At least, it doesn’t hurt until I wake up and find there’s no Rin next to me.

But, actually getting to sleep is hard. I’m always cold, even the thickest layers of blankets don’t do a damn thing.

Another hard thing is talking; there’s nobody to talk to anymore. I want to talk to Rin, I don’t care the subject; I just want to hear Rin’s voice say something in response to mine.

I’d actually settle for just listening to her. Whatever Rin has to say, I want to hear it.

Also, eating is hard now. I was never really _buff,_ but, I was at least fit. Now, I’m skin and bone. Food doesn’t have taste anymore, it’s just — nothing, and I barely eat at all anymore. I’m not hungry, at least, compared to my heart, my stomach doesn’t hurt.

Oliver tries to make me feel better; he’s always been my friend, closer to me than anyone else (well, anyone besides Rin). I know my pain bothers him. He’ll come and try to talk to me, but I won’t say anything back. He’ll try to play video games with me, but, there’s no fun without Rin and I end up quitting before too long.

He brings me cups of water and bananas from time to time; I give him nod for the water, and Oliver watches me eat the banana.

Bananas are the exception; they still have taste. I will still eat one if Oliver brings one. Not two though; I’m Len, I’m one — Rin was also one. One plus one equaled two, but now, there is only one, the loneliest number; at least zero would be even.

But, as soon as I finish the banana, I expect to see Rin there with me, because she would have an orange whenever I had a banana.

But she isn’t there; she’s not eating her orange, and it hurts again.

Sometimes, Oliver will lay down for bed with me. He hugs me, and I remember how nice it felt when Rin would hug me every night before we drifted off for sleep together. I almost stop hurting. Not all the way though; Oliver’s hugs aren’t Rin’s, and I can tell the difference.

But, eventually, Oliver gets up and it’s sad; I remember how alone I am. Rin would have stayed until I didn’t hurt anymore.

Hopefully Oliver will stop bringing bananas soon, so I can leave, to be with Rin. So I can stop hurting.

I hope Oliver won’t hurt too much after I leave.

 


End file.
